Heartbreak
by Elsie and Carson forever xxx
Summary: This story is a revised version of my first Fan Fic 'Make Me feel Alive.' As I have started to explore Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes relationship I have realised that I would like to make a version of the story that is more subtle and less 50 shades - yes I went there and now I would like to pull it back, this is a more refined and mature version.


Heartbreak

**Disclaimer; I don't own these characters, they belong to Julian Fellows, as always I just take inspiration from them**

**This story is a revised version of my first Fan Fic 'Make Me feel Alive.'**

**As I have started to explore Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes relationship I have realised that I would like to make a version of the story that is more subtle and less 50 shades - yes I went there and now I would like to pull it back. I would like to keep the original story in its entirety but I would also like to demonstrate a more refined and mature approach with this one. The first 2 chapters are pretty much the same, just a few alterations, but I have knocked out chapter 3 and changed the ending; portraying a different level to their love. **

**As with Make Me Feel Alive I depict what might have happened if Mrs Hughes had lied about her cancer being malignant and just how Mr Carson reacts to the terrible blow. **

**Contains Spoilers **

Chapter 1

Mr Carson had noticed Elsie's subdued appearance of late. The dark circles around her eyes had deepened, her worry lines had become more pronounced, she moved slowly and with less vigour than usual. She was becoming a shadow of herself.

Yes she had Cancer and she was beginning to age, not directly because of the bastard disease, but because of the absolute terror it brought with it. It was causing her to worry, to fear. She was scared of what was to become of her, scared of the pain, scared of death. This anxiety, this lack of sleep was causing her gradual decline.

Her waking's in the middle of the night had not gone unnoticed. They had caused Charles Carson to stir, so much so that he wasn't sleeping himself. He found himself staying up in his pantry to the early hours of the morning, doing jobs that really didn't need doing; worrying about his secret beloved.

Mr Carson felt in his own way that he was being more productive in there than tossing and turning in his bed – always the committed worker. His thoughts however forever on his Elsie; he knew something was seriously wrong with her, he could sense it, but he wanted her to tell him in her own time, to not feel pressured. It hurt him to think she may never say; there would never be the opportunity…

You see, Elsie had stopped coming to see him at night. They no longer enjoyed the delights of a glass of wine or cup of tea while conversing on the day's events. This saddened Charles deeply, it was the pinnacle moment of his day when he no longer had to be 'The Butler' and she no longer 'The Housekeeper', they could enjoy each other's company, laugh, divulge, truly be themselves.

It was in these precious moments that he would steel a glance at his dear Elsie and wish things were different, he would dream that they were man and wife, enjoying a conversation in the comfort of their front room - small pleasures.

He missed those moments and he was certain she felt the same way. He knew something was gravely wrong for her to be pushing him away like this.

His thoughts pondered to her recent diagnosis. He was beyond delighted when he had found out that it was malignant, it wasn't life threatening, only Elsie didn't seem to be responding in the same way. She wasn't acting like someone who had been given the all clear, far from it, she had become solitary and inward, like something was worrying her, like something was deeply on her mind. Mr Carson knew Elsie well and in his heart he was not convinced.

Chapter 2

Every time he saw her he simply wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to comfort her in any way possible. The frustration that was building up concerning her silence was becoming all too much to handle.

It was infuriating him, but he respected her too much to overstep the mark, if only she would let him in, he could help her, be there for her, ease her pain.

But Elsie as always had her reasons for her silence; she had in fact stopped coming to see him out of pure divine love.

Feeling she was hiding her illness well she didn't want to spent time with him, if she was in his company she may let slip what was wrong with her, that it was cancer; that she was dying. She did not want him to worry like her, the consumption of fear was too overwhelming to pass on to the man she loved - Little did she know he had already come to the natural conclusion.

Elsie being her own woman held another reason for keeping silent. She wanted to remain alive and strong as The House Keeper of Downton Abbey for as long as possible, she feared if she confessed about the cancer she would become mollycoddled and trapped just like she had felt was while waiting for the results. The only reason she didn't explode at Mr Carson at the time was because she was more than mindful of the fact that it was out of love and this warmed her heart deeply.

However unbeknown to Elsie, Mr Carson had already shown the decorum she so urgently sought towards her illness; never admitting to the fact that he knew. He respected her wishes implicitly knowing she wanted to carry on as normal, a true act of love.

Chapter 3

Elsie often reminisced on how happy Charles had been when he found out the lump was 'benign' how he had sung to the rooftops about her steeling his heart away. It made her smile and confirmed the secret affections they shared for each other. She would often draw her strength from treasured moments like this.

She found it a bitter sweet situation, she hated the fact that she had lied to him but by God she was glad she had savoured a degree of normality back in her life. No one was babying her; she could carry on like nothing was the matter. If she believed she didn't have it, she could make it go away. She would be protecting herself and her Mr Carson.

Staying quiet at the moment meant she wasn't letting the disease overpower her, she wasn't giving into that murderer and letting it win.

Deep down though she knew she was lying to herself, hurting herself even more by dealing with it on her own, but she couldn't handle seeing him hurt, not again.

Neither of them had ever told one another how they felt in their heart, they just knew, no words had to be spoken.

It seems heart-breaking to the outsider that they never took it further, but they couldn't, no matter how much they both wanted to. It was totally inappropriate in their working environment. At least that's what they had been brought up to believe. They would not be setting a good example to the rest of the staff, those sorts of things do not happen and justifiably so. It should not occur between a Butler and a Housekeeper, especially in such a well to do vicinity like Downton Abbey. It was completely absurd and frowned upon. Mrs Hughes had thrown Ethel out for that very thing, giving into her deepest desires while under Downton's roof. Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes had sculpted it into their heads that letting feelings get the better of them would only make standards slip and that would never do.

This commitment and passion they both shared towards their work was part of their attraction to one another; the drive, their dominating strong character, nothing was more attractive to these individuals.

They respected one another tremendously for their restraint having a mutual appreciation and understanding for what they were going through. It was an absolute testament to their character and strength.

However both of these 'characters' were being tested to the full and at some point they had to break.

Chapter 4

One night Elsie as usual could not get to sleep, the worry overtaking her body.

She decided to go downstairs to her sitting room, to her safe place, to cry, she didn't want anyone hearing or disturbing her. She simply wanted to be left alone in her own thoughts. She pulled her dressing gown on and cautiously made her way down the hallway and towards the stairs, using every ounce of energy left in her to hold her aching sobs inside, her emotions becoming more intensified with each step she made. She eventually made it to the comfort of the hallway downstairs, her uncontrollable tears overtaking her, she couldn't hold onto them anymore. Not even making it to her sitting room she slid down the wall until she was crouched forward into her body a broken woman.

Elsie was used to being in control; she was in control of her staff, the store room keys from Mrs Patmore, her career, her emotions, her love. This was the first time in her life for a long time that she could not control what was going on and she was scared. She had no control of her own body, the cancer did.

Unknown to her Mr Carson had stayed up later than usual; he was in his pantry doing some odd jobs taking his mind off his worries when he heard her cry. He knew exactly who it was, a dagger instantly being pierced inside his heart.

Never being able to ignore such a sound, he peered outside his door and saw the shell of the woman that was his Elsie Hughes.

'Elsie' he said softly tears beginning to appear in his eyes, the reality hitting him at seeing her look so fragile.

Elsie gasped as she met his eye, she was totally oblivious to anyone else being downstairs; so entangled in her cries she had failed to notice the light under his door. She looked up at him like a helpless child caught in the rain and peered down at the floor again feeling quite foolish 'Please Mr Carson, don't pity me.'

She couldn't cope with anyone seeing her like this especially Mr Carson, She had to be direct in what she said, heartless, she had to avoid the confrontation, had to avoid telling him and breaking his heart -It was too late his heart was already broken, deep down he knew exactly what was wrong with her, he was losing his darling Elsie. Seeing her like this made it all so real. But he had to be strong, strong for her, strong for him.

Mr Carson with an overwhelming desire to console his Elsie bravely made his way over to where she had fallen; he crouched down in front of her and took her hand lightly in his, stroking it softly, reassuringly. Something Mrs Hughes had so desperately craved.

Elsie melting at the physical comfort mournfully closed her eyes; she bit back her tears hurting with the pain.

Concern etched all over his face, Charles brushed her hair out of her eyes and observed her fragile features; he stroked her cheek lightly.

With a tenderness only Elsie could understand he knowingly released her of some grief when he whispered 'Tell me where is it?' he nodded his head compassionately as he delicately assured her, 'It's ok Elsie, I know'.

Mrs Hughes held her eyes closed in sore relief, she didn't have to face it alone anymore, she didn't have to utter that word, the word that pained her soul so much, she opened her eyes tearfully, looking up at him for the comfort she had desperately longed for and so greatly desired.

Her hand still entangled in his, feeling that no words needed to be said, she moved her free hand tentatively to the top of her nightdress; undoing one button at a time, she gradually revealed her chest symbolically, the material of her nightdress still draped over the outline of her breasts covering her modesty.

With affectionate eye contact she gently took his hand entwined in hers and began to stroke it delicately almost asking for control; Mr Carson the gentleman that he was naturally followed her brave and spontaneous move as she guided his hand upon her breast.

Soft and supple, he carefully cupped it and began to closed his eyes at the realisation of her lump; in mutual despair he stroked her face gently as he caressed her breast warmly in his other hand.

It wasn't a sexual touch, it was gentle, comforting, trusting, a beautiful moment for them in the reality and sorrow of the nightmare.

She closed her eyes as she gave in momentarily to the kind pleasure.

She swallowed hard, her breaths deepening, her eyes still closed savouring the sensation.

Oppressed in fear her body would not let her enjoy this for very long because just as she would begin to relax the thought of the cancer would overtake her once more, she held her eyes shut painfully as the thought gradually and maliciously crept in, overcome, she finally reached out for a release that was so gravely overdue, she stroked the back of his neck tenderly as she confessed wholly 'I'm scared Mr Carson, I'm just so very scared'.

With this Mr Carson with a feeling of devastation pulled Elsie close in his arms, one arm under her nightdress he stroked her back soothing , 'it's ok I'm here, I'm here, I've got you.'

Elsie clung to him securely, achingly and wept 'I don't want to die'

Mr Carson grip tightened around her deeply as tears become to now fall from his form, it was too much for him, losing his beloved, seeing her broken like this. With a shakiness in his voice he whispered 'Shhhh, shhhh', rocking her too and fro. He placed a small kiss on her head; 'You're safe here, I've got you.'

' Tell me everything will be ok, tell me I will get through this, please, Mr Carson, please.'

Mr Carson placed soft kisses where her nightdress had now slipped down revealing her bare shoulder in calming response.

Mrs Hughes moved her arms around Charles back and gripped his shoulders, burying her head into his chest in wanting ease.

'Hold me' she pleaded wearily.

Mr Carson tightened his protective grasp around her, 'shhh, I will never let you go.'

They stayed there in each other's arms for hours, Mrs Hughes weeping sorely, Mr Carson all the while comforting, holding her, easing her pain as she whispered 'I don't want to be alone anymore'. These words hit Mr Carson deeper than the others; she held them much quieter and subdued than the previous ones.

Haunting him deeply he spoke only what his heart knew 'I'm not going to leave you Elsie, I'm here with you; I'm here for you now and always, I will never leave you.'

Mr Carson watched as her tear stained eyes look up at him searching his face in admiration and want. He cast his eyes over her, seeing into her like he never had before; she really was beautiful; her fragile state only intensified her natural beauty.

He had often imagined one day waking up next to her, maybe when they retired in a lovely little cottage on the grounds of Downton , where they would have their happily ever after. But that was never to be, he was losing his cherished love and it pained him as much as the cancer inside her.

Overcome by the situation, by their love, by the fear of losing her, he brushed her face soothingly, longingly, pondering on how something inside this perfect woman was killing her? With a desire to comfort to protect, he finally gave into his emotions. He leaned into her to place the kiss they both so desperately craved.

Her lips yearning for his touch, under a spell she moved towards him in a mutual wish.

They placed the most gentle and loving kiss on each other's lips, barely touching. Tears rolled down their faces as they held each other close, small, tender, placid kisses overtook them, soothing each other's pain with every touch.

Mr Carson stunned with grief tearfully between kisses whispered to her adoringly 'If I could swap places with you I would in an instant, I would take this away from you Elsie, I have wish for it every day.'

Elsie touched and overcome by his words, his sensitivity, finally confessed 'I have never loved a man as much I have you Mr Carson and at least that's one thing. I can die knowing that I have loved another and my God how I have loved you.'

With that he finally broke down, his butler façade a million miles away, he cried a profound and painful cry collapsed into Elsie's arms, 'you can't leave me Elsie, you just can't leave me.'

Elsie's eyes clung shut in agony, a million blades being pierced into her soul.

'I'm so sorry' she whispered; and she was, sorry for the pain she felt she was causing, sorry for not confessing her love sooner, sorry for the life that was never to be.

Elsie and Charles lay in the hallway crippled in tears, both holding each other, both kissing, both comforting, their love ultimately confessed. Neither alone in their journey anymore, facing the reality of pain together.


End file.
